A Kiss

This morning while I was half asleep, My Girl was getting ready to leave for work. Right before she left she leaned down and kissed me, saying, “When your day is going badly remember this, because I think you forgot yesterday.” Later that day I was yelling at God, and I heard those words again, except this time they were from God and He said them with a chuckle. Growing up I never even considered that God would want to kiss me or that when I was angry and yelling at Him He’d attempt to give me something that beautiful to remember.

The God I had growing up didn’t like me much, for the most part He tolerated me, was disappointed in me, and heart broken by my actions. I could never please Him, and He was always angry. I’m not sure where I got this picture. I’m not sure who presented this God to me. I wonder if it wasn’t the Old Testament. I had a picture of God in my head He was very moody, very angry, and very difficult to please.  Which frankly this is the way the Old Testament portrays Him. This confuses me. The New Testament claims, Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever, and if Christ is one with God then God is the same yesterday today and forever. I think the change is not God but rather the change lies in the covenant.

The first covenant demanded perfection of the people, therefore God demanded perfection of His people, and He had to. He set up a standard and demanded they follow it. When they didn’t He rejected them, when Moses asked for His favor He gave a pardon. Justice personified, my childish mind couldn’t rectify justice and love. Honestly, it still confuses me. I can understand it a little better, but the harsh punishments dealt out, the slaughtering of entire nations including children makes no sense when set next to Love. I always laugh a bit when people say “God would never endorse that!” I always want to reply with, “Oh really? Did you know that our God demanded the slaughtering of nations, including infants? Did you know that our God told a prophet to lie on his side butt-naked for three years? Did you know that our God never condemned Sodom and Gomorrah for anything except pride, and inhospitality?  Now this was the sin of Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen. —Ezekiel 16:49-50 Did you know that our God never condemned a women for playing the harlot and sleeping with her brother-in-law, in fact she was considered more righteous than the brother-in-law?” The list is endless. Our God does not fit into a box.

Then there is the New Testament that does not require anything except that we accept the sacrifice of life given up for us. It allows God full justice and full Grace; we are now under the life and history of Christ. Our records no longer hold our sin, but instead the perfection that was Christ and that was freely given to us. Christ sitting at the right hand of the Father is loved beyond understanding, and we are loved the same. God can now kiss us without reserve because we are perfect. He hasn’t changed He still demand perfection, we have changed, we are perfect now, not because we did anything to change ourselves, but because of Christ. When God kisses you and tells you to remember His kiss when you’re having a bad moment, remember that you are perfect, and rejoice in His love.

A Letter

To the Parents of the Conservative Movement,

                It seems, from my perspective, you are losing your children. The people who told you that the way you were raising them was the best way, if you continued to raise them this way everything would turn out perfect and your children would never repeat your mistakes, now tell you, you must not have done it right, or your children rebelled and the world lured them in.

                I ask, as one of the lost children, that you would take my words and listen to them. Ask the Holy Spirit if my words hold truth and be willing to place your pride on hold. I may only be a child but I have the boldness of Christ, I am not to let anyone despise my youth, and is it not out of the mouth of children and infants that the strength of God will be told? Do you not have to become like children to understand the kingdom of God?

                This is a letter from my heart, and I will speak in it without apology. You, our parents, have been lied to. You are not responsible for the souls of your children. There is no mold, no fail proof seven steps that will make you the perfect husband, wife, parent, Christian, teacher, or your children the perfect children.

                We will repeat some of your mistakes, and this is okay. No matter where we walk, God is big enough, strong enough, He has our backs. You can trust your children with God, He will not leave us nor forsake us even if we forsake Him. We need to be taught how to fail, because we are human and we will fail. We need you to expect us to fail and be okay when we do. We need you to be so confident in God in us that you can be free to allow us to make massive mistakes, and know we are safe because our God has us. This is a terrifying thought, but the God who parted the red sea, the God who turned water into wine, and fed thousands with one meal, is jealous for our hearts, He isn’t about to let us go. Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, not any created thing, including ourselves.

                The desire to please our parents and our God has been built into the very fabric of who we are, our hearts of stone have been destroyed and replaced with hearts of flesh.  We want to do what is right we want to make you happy. Only problem is no matter how well we do, no matter how good we are at Christianity we never reach your standard, or if we did, we were never told we did. We became frustrated believing we would never be good enough for you or for God. We’ve tried and tried often times ruining our physical health attempting to be good enough, spiritual enough. When we burnt out we quit, sometimes because we were so emotionally, spiritually, and physically burnt out it was impossible for us to continue on, and some of us because we wanted to. We jumped ship, some us because we wanted to, because we simply refused to try any more, and some of us because we simply couldn’t continue on any more.

                Most of us do not love you or God any less, although some of us hate you and God because from our point of view we gave you everything and you threw it back in our faces because it wasn’t enough. Some of us understand that you simply didn’t want us to repeat your mistakes; you are as human as we are and we understand this. We, however, are responsible for our own souls, for our choices, and for our own relationships with God. Some of us have found God, a different God from what we were taught about growing up. We’ve found the God of the New Testament, the God who loves us with abandon, whose grace covers all, who likes watching us figure out life even if we fail at times. In fact, when I had a conversation once with Him about a particular failure He gave me this picture—the picture was of a kid putting together a science project, refusing help. Amused the father stood by, tapping a stranger on the shoulder and saying, watch this, it’s going to be hilarious. The experiment blew, leaving the kid shocked, surprised with hurt pride, the father thought it was the best thing ever, and the kid was suddenly willing for help. My pride was hurt that He might get amusement out of my failure, but the point was that what was a catastrophe for me was totally handled in His world, I do not have to be afraid. Perfect love casts out all fear after all.

                Christ said a lot of things, most of what He said heaped more commandments on an already burdened people, trying to make them realize they couldn’t do it so they would be ready to accept His sacrifice. There is one thing He said right before He died, that we would be known for our love for one another, and a new commandment was given to us Love one another as He loved us on earth. We need to be so confident in your love, as your children, that when we fall to the lowest of low, you are the people we run to; you are the people who have the chance to show your love and hold our hearts. There is no one at a better advantage to see our faults as you, but the reverse is also true there is no one at a better advantage to see your faults as us. Fathers do not set your children’s teeth on edge, if you expect us as adult children to listen to your correction listen to us when we point out your faults. Whoever humbles himself will be exalted. If you humble yourselves and set aside your pride to listen to us, we will exalt you. Your authority will not be compromised or less because you admit your faults.

                Let us go. We grew up being taught about George Washington being 16 and surveying all over the known and un-known new world, we were taught about Mary Slessor, and others all single, all young, leaving their parents, starting their own life and following God. David left his home and became a part of a murderous band of men, Daniel was conquered, Joseph sold, Deborah a woman judge of Israel, none of them had their parent’s and God did not forsake them. Let us go. If you force us to stay in your home under the guise of staying under your authority, we will end up despising you, we were designed to want to explore, and discover. Let us go. Father’s do not provoke your children to anger. If we go somewhere you don’t approve of and it doesn’t turn out well for us, we will come back to you, just like prodigal son we will return, but only if we are confident of your grace. No one wants to return to a parent they know will be-little them after they have fallen as far as they possibly can.

                History proves that children will not believe what their parents do. My experience teaches that the some of the only children who believe what their parents do are the parents who loved with abandon, who gave grace, and trusted God with their kids. What I am asking of you isn’t easy, what I am asking is impossible for you. However, what I am asking of you is not impossible for Christ and I firmly believe He resides inside of you completing His good work till the day of Christ Jesus. Even if you don’t agree with me, even if you and your children never have relationship because you refuse to let God have them, I love you, I trust God with you. This is going to be a good journey.

A Daughter of the King Who Takes Responsibility for Her Own Soul,

Leto Granger

The Bible and Baseball Bats

Over the years I was told to follow God, unless of course I was in contradiction to what someone believed and then I couldn’t possibly be following God because God wouldn’t ask me to do what they disagreed with. Generally, I was bashed over the head with the Bible. The result of this is, despite the fact that I have not regularly read the Bible in over 5 years I can still quote more of it than the average Christian has read. I thought everyone was like this, that all Christian kids could quote massive portions of the Bible or were generally aware of what it says. Then I became involved in Christian groups and I was the authority on the Bible often over what the teacher said. This surprised me.

 I can debate any point, I can argue any side of a Christian argument, Biblically. I can argue following the Levitcal law, I can argue why it is now obsolete. I can argue why women should never speak in the Church and I can argue how they are equal with men in all ways. I can argue kissing everyone inside the Church, as in making out with them, and I can argue its immorality. All arguments based out of scripture. I don’t actually know where I came up with this skill, although I highly suspect that it is from being hit over the head with scripture as if it was a baseball bat, and having to fight back. Problem is I didn’t ever fight back. Only a fool rejects reproof.

Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but a fool rejects wisdom and instruction.

Being battered constantly when you are trying to be the best you could be, hurts, and eventually you have a choice, stand up for yourself, or become a whipping boy and relish the emotional pain of being struck down. During the time when I didn’t stand up for myself I did search the Bible for where I had gone wrong.

John 5:38-42 You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life. I do not receive glory from men; but I know you, that you do not have the love of God in yourselves.

The scriptures do not contain eternal life, they simply point to Christ, but when you are desperately searching for eternal life you miss the pointers to Christ. Also, when the very people who are supposed to be emulating the love of God do not have love, things become confusing, because you believe what you have always been taught, they have the love of God.  John13:35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” When the love of God is assumed to be where it is not, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe it even exists.

I never found eternal life in the scriptures, in fact I only found condemning, painful, try harder verses. Then I decided to give God the middle finger and I jumped ship. I couldn’t live up to His standard so I quit. I wonder how I never saw this back then, Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 

After I jumped ship I decided several things.

I was not the judge of men.

I was not above anyone.

I would never use the Bible as a bludgeoning tool.

I would love with abandon no matter how much it hurt.

The only code I would live by was, “Is this loving?”

My friends would be the broken, the outcasts.

It took me some time to get to these things, but I got here. My story is long and complicated, but eventually I ended up with these ideas, and these ideas are what shaped my life. At some point I started going back over the Bible in my head. I didn’t pick it up, it was too painful. Reading the Bible caused me to feel like I was physically suffocating. I had a habit of running scripture through my head whenever I was bored or tired and couldn’t sleep, and somehow that habit never left. I had been approached by God and I had agreed that I would give Him a chance to show me the love that His followers had done such a wretched job of showing me, and I told Him He had one shot. Eventually, I started paying attention to the drone of verses that were constantly running through the back of my head, and when looked through from the standpoint of God being a loving, proud, doting, father, they changed. In fact they told me this.

 I was not the judge of men.

I was not above anyone.

The Bible was not a bludgeoning tool, but a pointer at the love of God.

I should love with abandon no matter how much it hurt.

The only code I should live by was, “Is this loving?”

My friends should be the broken, the outcasts.

To the broken, to the outcasts, I’m sorry. I am sorry on the behalf of all who have called themselves Followers of Christ. They were wrong, and I empowered them by not standing up for myself, I was wrong. I ask your forgiveness. Give God a chance to prove His love Himself and He will not disappoint you.

To those who call themselves the Followers of Christ, I am sorry, I am sorry that I empowered you I was wrong. Ask God to give you His love and He will, just remember the story of the rich young ruler, and remember you will be required to give up everything.

The Endless Circle

In Christianity today there seems to be an endless circle. A circle that starts with this question, WHO ARE WE? Christ said they will know you by your love for one another. Paul says we are the righteousness of God. Jesus was called both a gluten and a drunkard, the Pharisees thought He was clearly a sinner and false prophet. The only thing I know of that Christ promised His followers was that although His yoke was easy and burden light, we would have to give up everything to follow Him. In the end of the debate I think we are left with this:

1Corinthians 1

19For it is written,
“I WILL DESTROY THE WISDOM OF THE WISE,
AND THE CLEVERNESS OF THE CLEVER I WILL SET ASIDE.”

20Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. 22For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; 23but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, 24but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

One of the things I see throughout the New Testament is Love. Especially with Christ, Love one another, for the greatest commandment is this, love God, and the second is like unto it love your neighbor as yourself, and a new commandment I give you Love one another as I have Loved you. He never addressed sin with sinners. He only addressed sin with the highly religious. In the story of the adulterous women He showed her nothing but grace and love, I do not condemn you go and sin no more. He showed is love for Zaccheus causing him in turn to show love to the people he cheated. After Peter denied Jesus, Jesus never mentioned it again, all he asked about was Peter's love.

Later Paul talks about confronting one another, not allowing sin to be part of our assembly. I believe that Paul already understood that we were following Christ's commandment to love one another. Unfortunately, I didn't find love in the Church only condemnation, I heard a lot of "What you are doing is wrong." However there is therefore no condemnation in for those who are in Christ Jesus. Iron is supposed to sharpen iron we are supposed to confront each other, with the understanding that each of us is supposed to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Love is supposed to be our number one priority, but people love power, they love to be right, they love to be able to walk out of a place smugly patting themselves on the back saying, "Thank God, I'm not like that sinner."

If we cannot capture the hearts of the people with our Love then we will never be able to change their actions, ever. They will hate us, they will throw their actions in our faces, and they will attempt to corrupt our children. I know this because I felt like doing it when I was kicked out of the church for my parents actions. Then Christ asked if I would accept His love even though His people had failed miserably at showing it to me. I gave it a shot and was knocked off my feet by it. I know the balance between showing love and confronting people is a thin line to walk on. I have chosen to err on the side of loving people, and so far I've been amazed at the reaction.

I do not think we are sinners, I think we are son's of the Most High, heirs of the Kingdom of God. Grace and love haven't changed God's perspective of us it has changed who we are. We are perfect. We are free. We still sin. We live in a fallen world. I don't know how it works, but Christ says it works, and I believe Him. Love with abandon, people are more likely to die for love than they are to die for law.

Ultimate Truth, Vantage Truth, Chosen Truth.

Truth. Vantage Point, a movie that came out in the last couple years, did an amazing job of showing us that truth has everything to do with your perspective. I have been told once that ultimate truth is how God sees an incident. However, we as humans cannot see what God sees unless He decides to tell us, which, often, if it has to do with our story, He will, if we ask. He really is quite hung up on the idea that we should ask Him things; He isn't much on volunteering information.

Recently, something came up between me and My Girl, where she wasn't sure if what she was doing was the truth. As in, it might have been some stunt to get attention, or the symptoms of a broken past, and not really a chemical brain issue at all. I chose to believe that what she was doing was a problem with her brain, not with her. Even though she wasn't sure, and it might have in fact been another issue, my truth became that it was a brain issue.

I have decided that there are different truths. Ultimate truth, the way God sees something, vantage truth, what we see, and chosen truth, what we choose to decide happened after we process the data we have taken in. In reality, in everyday life what matters to us, our relationships, is chosen truth. If the truth is your significant other hasn't cheated on you, but your chosen truth is that they have, then the ultimate truth doesn't matter for you.

In relationships, Ultimate truth and Vantage truth doesn't seem to matter as much as chosen truth. I saw a picture that said, "Ever look at your ex and wonder, 'was I drunk that entire relationship?'" Probably not, but your chosen truth was that they hung the moon, and had your best interest in mind, and all their actions were rationalized through your chosen truth. Now outside of the relationship, your chosen truth is that they don't have your best in mind, or you simply are opposites, you see their actions differently. I've heard, 'Well now that I'm out of the situation I just see things so much clearer!' and I always want to say, "No, you just see it through a different truth."

Can we really see things clearly? Will not everything, literally everything we see, say, and do be affected by our chosen truth?

I choose to believe that My Girl will not lie, betray, or hurt me with malicious intent. I firmly believe that I could hold onto this truth no matter how many people presented hard evidence to the contrary. 'They' say love is blind. Perhaps this is good, perhaps it isn't. At times, history shows, someone’s stubborn hold on their chosen truth built entire civilizations, and at other times destroyed them.

The question that is now running rampant in my mind is this, how can we know that our chosen truth is true? Aside, of course, from God telling us Ultimate truth, can we know, or is not only love blind but life as well?

If I choose to believe that people at their base are good, sinful, but good, as in the majority of people will try to choose goodness, however we all have a massive tendency to miss the mark, then I will see the best of people. I see it like this, if I own a dark blue Toyota tundra, suddenly, not only will I notice all Toyota tundra’s on the road, but I will swear there are a significantly greater amount of dark blue ones in existence than there were before I bought my truck. If my truth is people are good I will tend, not always but tend, to see the goodness of people. While on the flipside if I think they are evil, I will see their evilness to an extent I would be sick.

In the end we should choose our truth carefully. If you decide that people are not trustworthy, then you will never have a solid relationship, because their mistakes will be seen through your truth of untrustworthiness. Again on the flip-side if your truth is that all people are trustworthy, you will be taken in. Be as innocent as doves and as wise as serpents; choose your truth with great care. Once you have chosen it be confident and if you are wrong remember there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, God's grace will catch you, and He is also big enough to clean up any mess you make. Choose carefully, be confident, and know Someone has your back.

When the Church Shows You the Door

Tonight I returned to my old Church. Thing is it's a building. Theoretically buildings simply hold things. Buildings themselves shouldn't cause panic, fear, pain, or anything else. Simply a building. So this is what I thought. I thought wrong. From the moment I walked in I felt sick. The memories of what has gone on there flooded in my mind slowly seeping through like cream poured into coffee. Sitting in a prayer service waiting for it to just be over, and then having Donna come up put her hand on my shoulder and say, "Kid, I can't imagine what your family has gone through, I'm so very sorry." It was the first time anyone recognized my pain. Or even my families, because technically at that point, nothing was "happening."

Brad and Brian sitting across from me with yellow tablets asking me what I thought about my mom and dad’s relationship, and in the end Brad looking me in the eyes and saying, "Well, your parents relationship really isn't going to affect you." Afterwards Brian came up to me and said, "I don't really know what Brad was thinking, but your parents relationship is always going to affect you." I wondered then, and still wonder now why the hell he couldn't say that in front of Brad. Thing is he never once stood up for any of us in front of Brad.

I remember Dan leaving a meeting in disgust, walking past me, looking down and saying, "I'm really sorry kid, I tried." Next day he announced to the Church that due to things happening that he could not agree with, he would be leaving. I think he is the only man in the entire mess who still commands my respect. He left the ministry that he had built his life around for our family, in hopes that they would see.

I remembered sitting in the bathroom crying my eyes out when I was little, and having Mary walk in and instead of asking me why I was crying, she told me I had nothing to cry about. Yep, nothing, except maybe the fact that her oldest son had just beat the shit out of me. Sure I might have had a "wonderful" family, but no one saw the rotting core but us kids. No one knew, no one cared to look closer. And at church, the "safe" place, I got the shit beat out of me. I wonder what Mary would have thought if she saw half the truth, but the thing is she didn't really care to look. Honestly, I don't know as I blame her, I suspect she had enough pain of her own to deal with.

Thing is there were good things too. Playing under the chairs with my two best friends. Being allowed to do and eat whatever we wanted at potlucks, coffee breaks, where we were actually allowed to drink coffee, Rick with his smile genuine care and random nick names, course it came out later that he beat his wife, that the church knew, and well they looked the other way. Which makes me wonder, was everything I thought good tainted, was the entire church really that fucked up. Or is my perspective simply skewed from the pain I endured?

How many weeks did I watch the drive way constantly, and then send mom away while I diplomatically told Brad he wasn't wanted and to get his ass off of our property? I don't think one is actually supposed to dread the sight of a white church van. Brian always came along, his face always apologized, and sometimes he did too, thing is he never did it in front of Brad. Which pisses me off to this day.

I spent hours cleaning that damn building. I spent hours running the overheads, the video cameras, and sound board. I spent hours working on the hospitality team and in the nursery. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 16 I don't think there was a single Sunday that I simply came to church and sat through it. I was always doing something, "serving." Yet, even after all that I don't think Brad could tell anyone the first thing about me. No one knew me well enough to know I had gone from loving God to suicidal and back again. Then one day I was told, ya know we really think it would just be best if ya didn't come back. Bye

The church eats people like a paper shredder eats paper, and spits them out in little pieces on the other side. This has been my only experience with the church. It has been a super shitty experience. Welcome to church, I we ask for here is your heart, and don't actually expect to get it back in one piece. God it hurts.

What happened to our Churches? Where is the love that Christ asked us to show one another? What happened to the commandment, love your neighbor as yourself? Did we not get the idea that Christ stated, and they will know you for the love you have for one another? Has your Church been this way? Do you question why the younger generation is leaving in droves, or are you part of the exodus?