This post contains
abuse, if abuse stories trigger you, this one might. This story is to encourage
myself that what is past, happened, is past, and no longer has to affect me, and
to encourage others that perhaps they are not as alone as they think. This is
the first story in a series.
Fear. So tangible, so constant, the taste on my tongue, the
feeling in my gut, the panic in my mind.
I watched as it happened again, I was running in circles,
circles, circles, trying to get away, I couldn’t because someone was holding my
hair while everything that could be hit was being hit with a dowel rod. I was running because I was panicked I was running
because I could not stop. Eventually, I collapsed onto the floor and I was
thrown up onto the bed, and I was spanked, until I guess mom just couldn’t hit
me anymore. I had to lay there and catch my breath before I could move, and
even then I was limping. For once mom did not give me a lecture, I just limped
out of the room. I told myself I wouldn’t cry ever again. I tried to fathom
what I had done wrong, what had caused this spanking and I just couldn’t. I
simply did not know what I had even done.
Spanking involved being repeatedly hit with a dowel rod or a
paint stick or a carbon arrow, when mom was in control it involved being hit
anywhere from 3 to 20 times, with slight pauses in between each blow. When she
wasn’t in control, when she was just infuriated she would hit until she was
tired. Most of the times when she was in control was when I was in trouble in a
group context like, when my sister closest to me and I both did something wrong. Somehow I,
above all the other kids could make her infuriated with me.
I was walking through the house the hangers clanking on my
arm, trying to get some fun out of the house work, when she yells at me, “Stop
making so much unnecessary noise!” Quickly, quickly for a five year-old I
stopped the hangers. She turned towards me infuriated, “I TOLD YOU TO
STOP. I GUESS YOU HAD TO JUST DO IT ONE
MORE TIME.” Then more quietly, “Come on you’re getting a spanking.” It was the
first spanking of the day, and for some reason that day sticks in my mind
because I literally think I got spanked about every five minutes, and not once
was I even aware I was doing something wrong, or I was actually trying to be
helpful, like when I spilt the food on the floor because I was trying to move
it for my oldest sister who was cooking.
I tried to figure out how to be a better child, and realized
I was simply doomed to be a horrible person, no matter what I did, I was wrong
and in trouble. I decided then to try to be invisible.
When I was 10, during George W. Bush’s first election
counting I got caught for not doing math. I stopped doing math for at least a
solid year. I hated math, I hated school for that matter. I’m not the type of
child who can just learn from a book and teach themselves, I don’t learn that way,
I need to be taught. My mother gave us our books, gave us our schedule, gave us
our chores, and expected us to complete them. She spent her time either on the
computer, or in her room on the phone. When she got a laptop she was pretty
much inseparable from it. When she came to “check” our work, either our chores,
or our school work she was always random, and we never knew when it would
happen.
I got called into her room and asked to bring her my math
book that hadn’t been checked in a year. I frantically tried to cover it up by changing
the dates in my previous math book, but that didn’t work, I was in trouble and I
knew it. I know that I got spanked by mom and I don’t remember it, at this
point in my life anything that was traumatic to me seems to have been simply
edited out. I have a vague knowledge that she was intensely angry, that she
called me lazy, and that I was told I would never finish school, I don’t
remember the spanking. Which means it wasn’t three swats on the backside, it was
brutal enough to be removed from my memory. When my father got home he was told
what happened and that I hadn’t been punished for it. So he spanked me too, I
don’t remember that either, and it had dawned on me recently that I do not
remember a single spanking my father gave me, not one, and I know he gave me
quite a few.
From then on I was supposed to do twice the amount of math
work every day so I could catch up, and I was supposed to do it in my mother’s
room, and I got spanked for two weeks every time I was supposed to do math.
Each time I was hit 20 times. To this day doing math causes me to feel panicky,
and I have to talk myself through the entire process.
I don’t remember not being bruised, or having a hard time
sitting for long periods of time because it just hurt, the entire time I was
growing up. I once thought I wasn't afraid of anything, but now I realize, that I was always afraid, and fear just became a normal part of my life, and when something is normal enough you forget that it's even there.
Memory loss is something that became common after about five,
I remember being three, and four pretty vividly, my mom taught first grade at a
Christian school and I was kept by someone else most of the time I was four.
From then on anything that was traumatic was simply just edited out. Now I know
that I disassociate when I feel like I’m in a traumatic situation. So in essence
these things did not happen to me, they happened to that little girl over there
who is an idiot and who also happens to look a lot like me. To this day when I
remember something happening, I don’t remember it from my perspective; I
remember it as if I watched the entire thing, including me from the opposite
corner of the room. In other words when I picture a memory I picture myself
along with everyone else.
I just now am coming to the realization that to remember
things like this is not normal.
Now that I’m an adult I’m trying to re-connect with the
parts of me that hold the edited out memories. Now I have a confusing pile of
cut out pictures, like someone cut a picture out of a book, and without the
context of the page they don’t make any sense. In the telling of these stories,
I am trying to put the cut outs back into the pages they came from in my story,
the problem is some of them are simply so brutal and disturbing I’m not sure
how they could have really happened, and some of them involve people in my life
that everyone else, including my siblings still hold in high regard. So the
question I am constantly faced with is Real, or not real? And the answer is
becoming more and more often, real. I’m just desperately trying to remember
that not only is it real, but also far in my past.