To Life

Today I sit at work and I look at the people around me and I am happy. They are far from perfect, I am far from perfect and we are perfectly okay with that. I like them they seem to like me, and so we get along. It is so much easier, peaceful, and more joyful to live this way. I don’t have anyone telling me I’m doing it wrong, they don’t have anyone telling them they are doing it wrong. We just are who we are. Why can’t Christianity be this simple?

Yes we cuss; no we do not offend each other. We are professional around clients. We do our jobs, we work ethically. When we go home we have a beer. Yes we have problems. We have pasts, not all of us are on our first marriage, but we have accepted that life has its ups and downs, and sometimes a bottle of Jack Daniel’s can help you up from the down or make the up better. We realize that it isn’t wise, but we also realize that it isn’t a complete catastrophe to be stupid.

For the most part we accept our flaws attempt to make them better, or tell the other people they’re just going to have to live with it. The other people grumble, and guess what; they learn to live with it. Being flawed does not mean that you aren’t perfect. You can be perfectly flawed. People who think they aren’t flawed are just plain crazy. Why have Christians decided that they need to be like Christ? Christ was perfect; we will never be perfect, so why are we aspiring to something we can never reach? That has only proven to make people miserable.

Mat 5:48 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Is the only time Jesus commanded us to be like Him, all the other times, He simply said “Follow me.” When Christ commanded people to be as perfect as God He was adding guilt onto an already guilty nation to show them that to be perfect was impossible. This was so that they would accept His sacrifice without question, His fulfillment of the law with celebration. They would be a tired nation, a nation who needed a savior. Christ fulfilled the law. We are no longer to be perfect; by His grace we are perfect.

STOP trying to be perfect. Live life, have fun. Love people. You will fail. This does not mean that you have failed God, He expected you to fail, He expects you to dust yourself off and keep going. He sees you as perfect, Christ did that for you. Why does it seem so impossible for most Christian’s to enjoy their life?

Enjoy yours, yes we were promised that we would be persecuted, we were promised that life would be rough, we were also promised that His yoke would be easy and His burden would be light. Enjoy being made pure, enjoy His love, enjoy His grace, enjoy life, enjoy the gifts He’s given. 

Smashed Hearts

My brain is always writing, forming sentences, paragraphs and ideas, attempting to communicate to the world. Today, I had my head down on my computer, and slowly it dawned on me that I wasn’t breathing. I was holding my breath because this was the only way I could make the writing stop. At this point I decided it would be a good idea to actually write ongoing monologue down. I swear I have a disease.

The idea I couldn’t put to rest in my head was this, of all my friends who call themselves Christians, and I can only think of one friend who doesn’t, the majority of them cannot seem to see past themselves. Today, after perusing facebook I wanted to curl up into a little ball and cry. Literally. My heart ached so badly I wanted to scream. With the coming elections, and the Chick-Fill-A debacle one would think facebook has become a political board, plus I read recovering grace, which I must say never helps with the warm fuzzy feelings.

Can we even see one another? Are we so caught up in rights, legality of actions, and right and wrong, that we cannot even see the drowning people? If Christians were really following Christ, would it matter if abortion or gay marriage was legal? Jesus changed the heart of a man, Zacchaeus by simply going to his house, eating his food, drinking his wine, and loving him. I cannot find a place in the scripture where Christ actually reprimanded Zacchaeus in love. Would it matter if abortion were legal if there were no doctors willing to preform it, and no women who wanted to have it done, because of the Love of Christ? If gay marriage is really such an abomination to Christ would its legality matter if no one wanted it?

Christianity has put up such a fight for what is right and what is wrong, that they have run over the hearts of the very people they claim to be trying to save. Make what humans desire illegal, and they will simply find a way around the law, capture their hearts with love, and they will give up anything for that love. Have we forgotten that the law was instated that sin might abound? Has the love of Christ been lost? Has its power been forgotten? Where are the people weeping over lost-ness, as He did? All I see are angry mobs yelling, and fighting for what they want. To both sides of these debates, you look like children, you should be ashamed of yourselves. To the Christians you make me sick, literally nauseated by the way you treat the hearts of the people you claim to love, and that you want to ‘save.’

Christians I know who you are, you are holy, perfect, loved, perfectly able to love, sanctified, the very righteousness of God, and filled with the Holy Spirit. Stop acting like you are sinners, stop acting like you don’t know how to love, you are better than this. Go eat with someone you disagree with, drink wine with them, and show them who you really are, and watch while laws become un-needed.

Chick-Fil-A Bandwagon

Facebook will show the world’s trends like nothing else, the current trend seems to be Chick-Fil-A and the anti-gay sentiment. Christians are getting angry because they feel like they are being unjustly told they are too judgmental, and gays and their supporters feel like yet again they are being stepped on in a country of “freedom.”

I hate jumping on the bandwagon of current trends, everyone arguing, no one listening, frankly I like to sit back and laugh at all those angry self-righteous people. However, I once again have reached the point where my words will threaten to rise up and strangle me if I don’t type them out. I have to say that I agree with neither, and both sides at the same time.

First off, I do not understand the argument over the word marriage, or the argument over “biblical family.” If Christians want biblical family, and if Christians think fighting in the political arena instead of fighting over the hearts of people, can get them what you want, why aren’t they fighting over divorce? If Christians would actually care to talk to the young people of America they would find,  young people’s hearts haven’t been wrecked by a “sex saturated” culture, or a place where gays are prevalent, their hearts have been wrecked by divorce, by the separation of their own parents. Biblical family, is just that, biblical, it no longer exists in this country, if someone wants to change that, they should start with their own marriages, and teaching their children about healthy relationships, instead of screaming about what they see as unhealthy while their marriages rot unnoticed.

Marriage. “MAR'RIAGE, n. [L.mas, maris.] The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life. Marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them. Marriage was instituted by God himself for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity,and for securing the maintenance and education of children.” Websters 1828.

This word no longer speaks what Webster set down for it to speak. Marriage now means this.

Definition of MARRIAGE

1a (1): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2): the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage <same-sex marriage> b: the mutual relation of married persons : wedlock c: the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage

2: an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially: the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities

3: an intimate or close union <the marriage of painting and poetry — J. T. Shawcross>

If this is all the word, marriage, means in today’s culture, I want nothing to do with it. I would give my own definition; Marriage is the joining of two people, a partnership, for the duration of their feelings of generosity, and attraction toward each other, after which it is terminated in a court of law. Christian marriage is the joining of two people of the opposite sex, the man to be the ruler, the wife to be submissive in all things, as long as their mutual feelings of generosity, and attraction last, where it can then be terminated in a court of law.

This is not the biblical definition of marriage, but words, like everything else, change with time. I will never “marry” I want nothing to do with the word, or its current idea. No matter how much Christians want marriage to mean what it did in 1828, their divorce rate reflects that they do not want it enough. I want a partnership, an equal, mutual lifelong commitment with someone, something that binds us stronger than law, and therefore cannot be terminated in a court of law. Would it be nice to have the perks that come along with a marriage license, yes, but I’m not going to fight for those perks, my partnership doesn’t have to be sanctioned by my government, and I do not need any handouts from my government to keep it afloat.

I do not think that the majority of Christians are judgmental; I simply think they are fighting in the wrong arena. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, if the Chick-Fil-A owner does not support gays, then he shouldn’t be afraid to stand up and say what he wants to say. I like him. I like people who say what they believe in and stick to it. Frankly, I have never felt more loved by the people who disagree with me, and still talk to me than I do now, and I KNOW they disagree they’ve made that clear.

Please, believe in something, please, stand up for what you believe in. Just remember this, this is a free country and I am entitled to believe the opposite of what you believe. I do not think Christians should try to get in the political arena, that is not where they belong. No-where in the New Testament does it call Christians to storm the government, “Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and render to God what is God’s” I believe is the only comment Christ makes on the matter.

Should they stand by idly while babies are being murdered, or their definition of the marriage bed is being defiled? Absolutely not, believe in something and stand up for what you believe in please. Christ spoke, not to the government, but to the people. Speak to the people, speak to their hearts, speak to the women, who don’t know what to do with the mistake they made that created a child, and speak to the people who you believe are wrong. Show them why they should want a marriage like yours; show them why they should want to protect it. Honestly, from where I sit Christians have nothing I want, nothing I envy, I am not destroying marriage, or family, they are doing that efficiently without my help.

To Mr. Chick-Fil-A, I respect you sir, I respect you for standing up for what you believe in. I respect that you close on Sunday’s I respect that you are willing to stand up when you believe in something. I respect your opinion that gay marriage is not biblical and should not be supported.

I respectfully disagree with you, but I still respect you, and your right to have an opinion. I love your food, I will continue eating your food, not because I agree with your political stance, but because you make a mean sandwich, and I’m pretty sure that chicken couldn’t care less that it’s being eaten by a gay person.

I wish there were more people like you. People who stand up for what they believe in, I’m sorry for all the hurt angry people who are throwing verbal tomatoes at you, as long as you refrain from throwing them back, you have my respect. Not that you care, not that this will ever even reach you, but here’s my voice to add to the mob, and if God actually wants it heard, it’ll be heard.

To the Christians, if you want us to respect you, if you want us to allow you to teach your children what you want, if you don’t want Church, homeschooling, and the amount of children you have to be regulated by the government, then don’t try to regulate us. If you want to be able to pray in public places, if you want law to respect your pickets, then respect our right to picket, and respect our right to pray in public places, even if it’s two gay chicks. If you want to be able to speak publicly and have Mr. Chick-Fil-A be allowed to believe whatever he wants, then we get the same right. From where I sit, Christians want freedom as long as it lines up with the bible, and at the expense of the hearts of the people they claim they want to save.

Christianity is losing this nation, not because of sex, gays, or anything else, Christianity has nothing this nation wants. Christ had something His nation wanted, perhaps Christianity should try following Him for a change, then they might see the nation following.

The F word will be used

Fuck! It screams through my head, and drowns out every other word. I wish that word isn’t the one I choose when I want to drown out all the swirling thoughts in my head. It’s not a very pretty word, Fornication Under Command of the King, (an acronym I was taught to associate with the word, but isn’t actually correct,) but then it always seems to fit so ironically. Sometimes I feel satan (Please notice the non-capital s, it’s the literary middle-finger) has been given free reign to screw whatever he chooses, and the King, although not commanding it, is allowing it and that is equal to commanding it in my book. If not worse, at least if He was commanding it I could be sure He knew it was happening, but the just allowing business I’m not sure about.

When I write I find my answers, when I write the screaming calms, the confusion funnels out onto paper, and eventually my own typed words answer my questions. When I write everything turns to order and one letter follows a letter, and then a word, and then a sentence, and then a paragraph, and then an entire idea. I love the order, I love the way God speaks, I love the calm in my brain when I’m done.

Anyway that’s not really the point, the point is to come, in fact I don’t know the point, but I know that by the time this is finished, I’ll probably know the point. Something has begun to soak in today, something I’ve suspected for a long time, and this something is that anyone can be hurt by something I have done. I will tell them they are right, I was wrong, and if they don’t believe me I will continue to explain it until they agree with me. I am very good at this. The only problem is that whenever I talk to someone about how I am hurt, by the end, I am depressed and convinced that I am being childish, and just hurt the person who, allegedly, hurt me.

To me, anyone can be hurt and I will understand it. However, the moment I feel hurt I chalk it up to childishness. I, honestly, believe that I should not ever be hurt. There is always an explanation, there is always something I missed, there is always a reason I should have seen for their actions that will explain everything away. My grace should be limitless; my love should not just cover a multitude of sins, but all sins. I should let go and move on. I should be able to never be hurt. Not as a protection mechanism, not as I WILL NOT BE HURT, but just simply, I cannot get hurt, nothing you can do will hurt me I love you too much, or some other poppy-cock. If I am hurt I believe that I am over reacting. Unfortunately, if someone else told me this I would laugh, I would say they had a right to be hurt, and in not being hurt and working it out with that person they are enabling that person to continue hurting others in the same way.

I swear my own words have a horrible habit of coming around and biting me in the hind-end. I hate that little mirthy voice people use when they quote my words back to me. In that moment I understand exactly why they hated me so much in the first place, when I said those very words to them. The end question would be, is being hurt wrong? Then the end answer would be, no it isn’t, I know this. Which leaves me with a dilemma, how do I decide when my hurt is just and needs an apology and when my hurt is simply my problem and I need to grow up?

Honestly, I don’t think there is a set of rules and regulations that can make us know for sure when we are justly being hurt, and when we are being childish. Each individual person has rights, God given God ordained rights, and being hurt is a sign that those rights have been trampled. Those who attempted to teach Christianity to me taught me that I have no rights, I am to be humble, I am a sinner of the basest proportion, I owe the world and everyone in it, for me to stand up for myself is either to go against authority or to be prideful. In fact we get so caught up in how humble and how easily we can be run over that we become the proudest people on the face of the earth, we are proud of our humility.

Perhaps for me to be hurt is to show my humility, that I am not an unbreakable wall. Perhaps to be hurt is to glorify God, by standing up for a child of His even if said child is me. I will fight to the death for anyone who I see has been hurt for one reason they are a child of The Most High King, and they deserve to be fought for, in the same right should I not stand up for myself?

Whenever I feel hurt my first reaction is to take it to God, explain to Him why I should not be hurt, and then ask Him what’s wrong with my idea of my rights. Sometimes He tells me, ‘you have no right to be that person’s first confidant, they never gave it to you, allow them to have friends,’ or something similar depending on the situation, but sometimes He seems oddly silent. I am beginning to wonder if He isn’t waiting for me to recognize who I am, that I have the same rights as the person I fought for yesterday, that I am indeed a daughter of The King, with all the rights and privileges that go along with that title, I wonder if He isn’t waiting to see when I’ll get it, and stand up for yet another one of His children. When I’ll stand up for myself.

Verbal Vomit

Sometimes I find myself staring at an electronic rendering of a blank sheet of paper with nothing to say. My heart aches, and my head aches, and my fingers ache, and I have to write. Problem is I don’t know what is causing the aching what is driving me to write, or what I am supposed to write about. Jeremiah put it best really,

“But if I say, “I will not remember Him
Or speak anymore in His name,”
Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
And I am weary of holding it in,
And I cannot endure it.”

Make it Mad wrote, “Writers write because they were born to bleed to death, pouring their hearts out upon the page. As the delightful Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Writers often don’t write because they want to, (that’s just a generous side effect) they write because they cannot not write.” I think I might have just plagiarized, I’m not sure the rules, I don’t think Jeremiah cares he’s dead, but Max might. . .

I don’t know if I’m a writer or not, but I do know that at times words gnaw at the inside of my heart and I am forced to spill them on paper or have my heart eaten by ink. Must say it’s a rather artsy-fartsy romantic way to die though.

I have acknowledge of few things about myself of late, that perhaps kicking an addiction to porn wasn’t really something to hold your chin up about, when you’re a compulsive liar, and a masochist. I also realized I take life too seriously, get all worked up about it yet don’t get off my ass to do anything about whatever it is I’m panicked over.

There are times when I loathe myself. There are times I simply cannot look my reflection in the eye without being completely repulsed. I also know that I haven’t the slightest power to change myself. If you look up alcoholics anonymous they will tell you that will power will do nothing for you, you have to let the idea that you can change yourself go. I was shocked. I thought they’d say man up, or something similar. I looked up how to kick a porn addiction, and they said the exact same thing. (Now that you’re all going to go look these things up, go to the tools button and click inprivatebrowsing, or better yet, just call your significant other in to explain what you’re doing, so they don’t think you’re actually trying to kick an addiction you don’t have, or if you are, call them in anyway, after they get over the shock they’ll be your best ally. (How was that for a run on sentence?))

Honestly, I don’t know what to do with that information. If I was an alcoholic, or still addicted to porn, I’d drown myself in a bottle or a computer. Because if I’m not going to save myself there sure is hell no one out there who gives a damn about saving me. Then I found out there were people who would help me, and that made things worse, because then I really actually had to want to kill the addiction. Wallowing in self-pity, in the idea that you’re beyond redemption gives a really great excuse for continuing in being a sorry excuse for a human being. You can’t be helped, so why not watch porn all day, or in my case sit on an electric fence and let the pain course through my being, because I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

Then there is this idea that has taken root, and refuses to go away, that I have in the back of my head, I’m perfect. Christ didn’t come to give me clean clothes, I died, became new. My heart of stone, He replaced it with a heart of flesh, my identity He took and gave me His. I’m new, different, perfect, free, a child of The Most High King, and the Righteousness of God. No excuses, no if and or buts, just newness, I’m clean, pure, etc. I try to forget this sometimes, because it doesn’t always make sense, but My Girl makes sure I don’t, because there was a time when I beat it into her head.

Only problem is I don’t understand a damn thing about it. I don’t understand how I can be all that and a bag of chips, and a slice of cake, and still be addicted. I’ve yelled at God that if I’m so righteous and perfect and free and shit, I should not be still sitting on my little electric fence needing the feeling of pain, as much as I need to eat. He told me that if He set me free like that, He’d be stealing something from My Girl and I because there is no one you know better than someone you’ve had to fight for. I don’t like that answer.

I honestly don’t know if I’m doing it all wrong, if I just went to That Christian Book Store, and bought that Book, or quit cussing, or quit eating pork, if suddenly I’d act as perfect as God claims I am. Sometimes He baffles me. Okay, fine, He always baffles me. Here’s to the fight, here’s to the pain, and here is to the oh so satisfying victory. Keep fighting, No regrets, no matter how many times you fall. I’ll cheer you on from my seat on my electric fence, and you can cheer me on from the bottom of your bottle, or your computer, and together we’ll, eventually, we will get where God’s wants us to go, because He promised to give us the desire of our hearts, and my desire is that I be exactly where He wants me.

A Kiss

This morning while I was half asleep, My Girl was getting ready to leave for work. Right before she left she leaned down and kissed me, saying, “When your day is going badly remember this, because I think you forgot yesterday.” Later that day I was yelling at God, and I heard those words again, except this time they were from God and He said them with a chuckle. Growing up I never even considered that God would want to kiss me or that when I was angry and yelling at Him He’d attempt to give me something that beautiful to remember.

The God I had growing up didn’t like me much, for the most part He tolerated me, was disappointed in me, and heart broken by my actions. I could never please Him, and He was always angry. I’m not sure where I got this picture. I’m not sure who presented this God to me. I wonder if it wasn’t the Old Testament. I had a picture of God in my head He was very moody, very angry, and very difficult to please.  Which frankly this is the way the Old Testament portrays Him. This confuses me. The New Testament claims, Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever, and if Christ is one with God then God is the same yesterday today and forever. I think the change is not God but rather the change lies in the covenant.

The first covenant demanded perfection of the people, therefore God demanded perfection of His people, and He had to. He set up a standard and demanded they follow it. When they didn’t He rejected them, when Moses asked for His favor He gave a pardon. Justice personified, my childish mind couldn’t rectify justice and love. Honestly, it still confuses me. I can understand it a little better, but the harsh punishments dealt out, the slaughtering of entire nations including children makes no sense when set next to Love. I always laugh a bit when people say “God would never endorse that!” I always want to reply with, “Oh really? Did you know that our God demanded the slaughtering of nations, including infants? Did you know that our God told a prophet to lie on his side butt-naked for three years? Did you know that our God never condemned Sodom and Gomorrah for anything except pride, and inhospitality?  Now this was the sin of Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen. —Ezekiel 16:49-50 Did you know that our God never condemned a women for playing the harlot and sleeping with her brother-in-law, in fact she was considered more righteous than the brother-in-law?” The list is endless. Our God does not fit into a box.

Then there is the New Testament that does not require anything except that we accept the sacrifice of life given up for us. It allows God full justice and full Grace; we are now under the life and history of Christ. Our records no longer hold our sin, but instead the perfection that was Christ and that was freely given to us. Christ sitting at the right hand of the Father is loved beyond understanding, and we are loved the same. God can now kiss us without reserve because we are perfect. He hasn’t changed He still demand perfection, we have changed, we are perfect now, not because we did anything to change ourselves, but because of Christ. When God kisses you and tells you to remember His kiss when you’re having a bad moment, remember that you are perfect, and rejoice in His love.

A Letter

To the Parents of the Conservative Movement,

                It seems, from my perspective, you are losing your children. The people who told you that the way you were raising them was the best way, if you continued to raise them this way everything would turn out perfect and your children would never repeat your mistakes, now tell you, you must not have done it right, or your children rebelled and the world lured them in.

                I ask, as one of the lost children, that you would take my words and listen to them. Ask the Holy Spirit if my words hold truth and be willing to place your pride on hold. I may only be a child but I have the boldness of Christ, I am not to let anyone despise my youth, and is it not out of the mouth of children and infants that the strength of God will be told? Do you not have to become like children to understand the kingdom of God?

                This is a letter from my heart, and I will speak in it without apology. You, our parents, have been lied to. You are not responsible for the souls of your children. There is no mold, no fail proof seven steps that will make you the perfect husband, wife, parent, Christian, teacher, or your children the perfect children.

                We will repeat some of your mistakes, and this is okay. No matter where we walk, God is big enough, strong enough, He has our backs. You can trust your children with God, He will not leave us nor forsake us even if we forsake Him. We need to be taught how to fail, because we are human and we will fail. We need you to expect us to fail and be okay when we do. We need you to be so confident in God in us that you can be free to allow us to make massive mistakes, and know we are safe because our God has us. This is a terrifying thought, but the God who parted the red sea, the God who turned water into wine, and fed thousands with one meal, is jealous for our hearts, He isn’t about to let us go. Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, not any created thing, including ourselves.

                The desire to please our parents and our God has been built into the very fabric of who we are, our hearts of stone have been destroyed and replaced with hearts of flesh.  We want to do what is right we want to make you happy. Only problem is no matter how well we do, no matter how good we are at Christianity we never reach your standard, or if we did, we were never told we did. We became frustrated believing we would never be good enough for you or for God. We’ve tried and tried often times ruining our physical health attempting to be good enough, spiritual enough. When we burnt out we quit, sometimes because we were so emotionally, spiritually, and physically burnt out it was impossible for us to continue on, and some of us because we wanted to. We jumped ship, some us because we wanted to, because we simply refused to try any more, and some of us because we simply couldn’t continue on any more.

                Most of us do not love you or God any less, although some of us hate you and God because from our point of view we gave you everything and you threw it back in our faces because it wasn’t enough. Some of us understand that you simply didn’t want us to repeat your mistakes; you are as human as we are and we understand this. We, however, are responsible for our own souls, for our choices, and for our own relationships with God. Some of us have found God, a different God from what we were taught about growing up. We’ve found the God of the New Testament, the God who loves us with abandon, whose grace covers all, who likes watching us figure out life even if we fail at times. In fact, when I had a conversation once with Him about a particular failure He gave me this picture—the picture was of a kid putting together a science project, refusing help. Amused the father stood by, tapping a stranger on the shoulder and saying, watch this, it’s going to be hilarious. The experiment blew, leaving the kid shocked, surprised with hurt pride, the father thought it was the best thing ever, and the kid was suddenly willing for help. My pride was hurt that He might get amusement out of my failure, but the point was that what was a catastrophe for me was totally handled in His world, I do not have to be afraid. Perfect love casts out all fear after all.

                Christ said a lot of things, most of what He said heaped more commandments on an already burdened people, trying to make them realize they couldn’t do it so they would be ready to accept His sacrifice. There is one thing He said right before He died, that we would be known for our love for one another, and a new commandment was given to us Love one another as He loved us on earth. We need to be so confident in your love, as your children, that when we fall to the lowest of low, you are the people we run to; you are the people who have the chance to show your love and hold our hearts. There is no one at a better advantage to see our faults as you, but the reverse is also true there is no one at a better advantage to see your faults as us. Fathers do not set your children’s teeth on edge, if you expect us as adult children to listen to your correction listen to us when we point out your faults. Whoever humbles himself will be exalted. If you humble yourselves and set aside your pride to listen to us, we will exalt you. Your authority will not be compromised or less because you admit your faults.

                Let us go. We grew up being taught about George Washington being 16 and surveying all over the known and un-known new world, we were taught about Mary Slessor, and others all single, all young, leaving their parents, starting their own life and following God. David left his home and became a part of a murderous band of men, Daniel was conquered, Joseph sold, Deborah a woman judge of Israel, none of them had their parent’s and God did not forsake them. Let us go. If you force us to stay in your home under the guise of staying under your authority, we will end up despising you, we were designed to want to explore, and discover. Let us go. Father’s do not provoke your children to anger. If we go somewhere you don’t approve of and it doesn’t turn out well for us, we will come back to you, just like prodigal son we will return, but only if we are confident of your grace. No one wants to return to a parent they know will be-little them after they have fallen as far as they possibly can.

                History proves that children will not believe what their parents do. My experience teaches that the some of the only children who believe what their parents do are the parents who loved with abandon, who gave grace, and trusted God with their kids. What I am asking of you isn’t easy, what I am asking is impossible for you. However, what I am asking of you is not impossible for Christ and I firmly believe He resides inside of you completing His good work till the day of Christ Jesus. Even if you don’t agree with me, even if you and your children never have relationship because you refuse to let God have them, I love you, I trust God with you. This is going to be a good journey.

A Daughter of the King Who Takes Responsibility for Her Own Soul,

Leto Granger

The Bible and Baseball Bats

Over the years I was told to follow God, unless of course I was in contradiction to what someone believed and then I couldn’t possibly be following God because God wouldn’t ask me to do what they disagreed with. Generally, I was bashed over the head with the Bible. The result of this is, despite the fact that I have not regularly read the Bible in over 5 years I can still quote more of it than the average Christian has read. I thought everyone was like this, that all Christian kids could quote massive portions of the Bible or were generally aware of what it says. Then I became involved in Christian groups and I was the authority on the Bible often over what the teacher said. This surprised me.

 I can debate any point, I can argue any side of a Christian argument, Biblically. I can argue following the Levitcal law, I can argue why it is now obsolete. I can argue why women should never speak in the Church and I can argue how they are equal with men in all ways. I can argue kissing everyone inside the Church, as in making out with them, and I can argue its immorality. All arguments based out of scripture. I don’t actually know where I came up with this skill, although I highly suspect that it is from being hit over the head with scripture as if it was a baseball bat, and having to fight back. Problem is I didn’t ever fight back. Only a fool rejects reproof.

Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but a fool rejects wisdom and instruction.

Being battered constantly when you are trying to be the best you could be, hurts, and eventually you have a choice, stand up for yourself, or become a whipping boy and relish the emotional pain of being struck down. During the time when I didn’t stand up for myself I did search the Bible for where I had gone wrong.

John 5:38-42 You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life. I do not receive glory from men; but I know you, that you do not have the love of God in yourselves.

The scriptures do not contain eternal life, they simply point to Christ, but when you are desperately searching for eternal life you miss the pointers to Christ. Also, when the very people who are supposed to be emulating the love of God do not have love, things become confusing, because you believe what you have always been taught, they have the love of God.  John13:35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” When the love of God is assumed to be where it is not, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe it even exists.

I never found eternal life in the scriptures, in fact I only found condemning, painful, try harder verses. Then I decided to give God the middle finger and I jumped ship. I couldn’t live up to His standard so I quit. I wonder how I never saw this back then, Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 

After I jumped ship I decided several things.

I was not the judge of men.

I was not above anyone.

I would never use the Bible as a bludgeoning tool.

I would love with abandon no matter how much it hurt.

The only code I would live by was, “Is this loving?”

My friends would be the broken, the outcasts.

It took me some time to get to these things, but I got here. My story is long and complicated, but eventually I ended up with these ideas, and these ideas are what shaped my life. At some point I started going back over the Bible in my head. I didn’t pick it up, it was too painful. Reading the Bible caused me to feel like I was physically suffocating. I had a habit of running scripture through my head whenever I was bored or tired and couldn’t sleep, and somehow that habit never left. I had been approached by God and I had agreed that I would give Him a chance to show me the love that His followers had done such a wretched job of showing me, and I told Him He had one shot. Eventually, I started paying attention to the drone of verses that were constantly running through the back of my head, and when looked through from the standpoint of God being a loving, proud, doting, father, they changed. In fact they told me this.

 I was not the judge of men.

I was not above anyone.

The Bible was not a bludgeoning tool, but a pointer at the love of God.

I should love with abandon no matter how much it hurt.

The only code I should live by was, “Is this loving?”

My friends should be the broken, the outcasts.

To the broken, to the outcasts, I’m sorry. I am sorry on the behalf of all who have called themselves Followers of Christ. They were wrong, and I empowered them by not standing up for myself, I was wrong. I ask your forgiveness. Give God a chance to prove His love Himself and He will not disappoint you.

To those who call themselves the Followers of Christ, I am sorry, I am sorry that I empowered you I was wrong. Ask God to give you His love and He will, just remember the story of the rich young ruler, and remember you will be required to give up everything.

The Endless Circle

In Christianity today there seems to be an endless circle. A circle that starts with this question, WHO ARE WE? Christ said they will know you by your love for one another. Paul says we are the righteousness of God. Jesus was called both a gluten and a drunkard, the Pharisees thought He was clearly a sinner and false prophet. The only thing I know of that Christ promised His followers was that although His yoke was easy and burden light, we would have to give up everything to follow Him. In the end of the debate I think we are left with this:

1Corinthians 1

19For it is written,
“I WILL DESTROY THE WISDOM OF THE WISE,
AND THE CLEVERNESS OF THE CLEVER I WILL SET ASIDE.”

20Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. 22For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; 23but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, 24but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

One of the things I see throughout the New Testament is Love. Especially with Christ, Love one another, for the greatest commandment is this, love God, and the second is like unto it love your neighbor as yourself, and a new commandment I give you Love one another as I have Loved you. He never addressed sin with sinners. He only addressed sin with the highly religious. In the story of the adulterous women He showed her nothing but grace and love, I do not condemn you go and sin no more. He showed is love for Zaccheus causing him in turn to show love to the people he cheated. After Peter denied Jesus, Jesus never mentioned it again, all he asked about was Peter's love.

Later Paul talks about confronting one another, not allowing sin to be part of our assembly. I believe that Paul already understood that we were following Christ's commandment to love one another. Unfortunately, I didn't find love in the Church only condemnation, I heard a lot of "What you are doing is wrong." However there is therefore no condemnation in for those who are in Christ Jesus. Iron is supposed to sharpen iron we are supposed to confront each other, with the understanding that each of us is supposed to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Love is supposed to be our number one priority, but people love power, they love to be right, they love to be able to walk out of a place smugly patting themselves on the back saying, "Thank God, I'm not like that sinner."

If we cannot capture the hearts of the people with our Love then we will never be able to change their actions, ever. They will hate us, they will throw their actions in our faces, and they will attempt to corrupt our children. I know this because I felt like doing it when I was kicked out of the church for my parents actions. Then Christ asked if I would accept His love even though His people had failed miserably at showing it to me. I gave it a shot and was knocked off my feet by it. I know the balance between showing love and confronting people is a thin line to walk on. I have chosen to err on the side of loving people, and so far I've been amazed at the reaction.

I do not think we are sinners, I think we are son's of the Most High, heirs of the Kingdom of God. Grace and love haven't changed God's perspective of us it has changed who we are. We are perfect. We are free. We still sin. We live in a fallen world. I don't know how it works, but Christ says it works, and I believe Him. Love with abandon, people are more likely to die for love than they are to die for law.

Ultimate Truth, Vantage Truth, Chosen Truth.

Truth. Vantage Point, a movie that came out in the last couple years, did an amazing job of showing us that truth has everything to do with your perspective. I have been told once that ultimate truth is how God sees an incident. However, we as humans cannot see what God sees unless He decides to tell us, which, often, if it has to do with our story, He will, if we ask. He really is quite hung up on the idea that we should ask Him things; He isn't much on volunteering information.

Recently, something came up between me and My Girl, where she wasn't sure if what she was doing was the truth. As in, it might have been some stunt to get attention, or the symptoms of a broken past, and not really a chemical brain issue at all. I chose to believe that what she was doing was a problem with her brain, not with her. Even though she wasn't sure, and it might have in fact been another issue, my truth became that it was a brain issue.

I have decided that there are different truths. Ultimate truth, the way God sees something, vantage truth, what we see, and chosen truth, what we choose to decide happened after we process the data we have taken in. In reality, in everyday life what matters to us, our relationships, is chosen truth. If the truth is your significant other hasn't cheated on you, but your chosen truth is that they have, then the ultimate truth doesn't matter for you.

In relationships, Ultimate truth and Vantage truth doesn't seem to matter as much as chosen truth. I saw a picture that said, "Ever look at your ex and wonder, 'was I drunk that entire relationship?'" Probably not, but your chosen truth was that they hung the moon, and had your best interest in mind, and all their actions were rationalized through your chosen truth. Now outside of the relationship, your chosen truth is that they don't have your best in mind, or you simply are opposites, you see their actions differently. I've heard, 'Well now that I'm out of the situation I just see things so much clearer!' and I always want to say, "No, you just see it through a different truth."

Can we really see things clearly? Will not everything, literally everything we see, say, and do be affected by our chosen truth?

I choose to believe that My Girl will not lie, betray, or hurt me with malicious intent. I firmly believe that I could hold onto this truth no matter how many people presented hard evidence to the contrary. 'They' say love is blind. Perhaps this is good, perhaps it isn't. At times, history shows, someone’s stubborn hold on their chosen truth built entire civilizations, and at other times destroyed them.

The question that is now running rampant in my mind is this, how can we know that our chosen truth is true? Aside, of course, from God telling us Ultimate truth, can we know, or is not only love blind but life as well?

If I choose to believe that people at their base are good, sinful, but good, as in the majority of people will try to choose goodness, however we all have a massive tendency to miss the mark, then I will see the best of people. I see it like this, if I own a dark blue Toyota tundra, suddenly, not only will I notice all Toyota tundra’s on the road, but I will swear there are a significantly greater amount of dark blue ones in existence than there were before I bought my truck. If my truth is people are good I will tend, not always but tend, to see the goodness of people. While on the flipside if I think they are evil, I will see their evilness to an extent I would be sick.

In the end we should choose our truth carefully. If you decide that people are not trustworthy, then you will never have a solid relationship, because their mistakes will be seen through your truth of untrustworthiness. Again on the flip-side if your truth is that all people are trustworthy, you will be taken in. Be as innocent as doves and as wise as serpents; choose your truth with great care. Once you have chosen it be confident and if you are wrong remember there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, God's grace will catch you, and He is also big enough to clean up any mess you make. Choose carefully, be confident, and know Someone has your back.

When the Church Shows You the Door

Tonight I returned to my old Church. Thing is it's a building. Theoretically buildings simply hold things. Buildings themselves shouldn't cause panic, fear, pain, or anything else. Simply a building. So this is what I thought. I thought wrong. From the moment I walked in I felt sick. The memories of what has gone on there flooded in my mind slowly seeping through like cream poured into coffee. Sitting in a prayer service waiting for it to just be over, and then having Donna come up put her hand on my shoulder and say, "Kid, I can't imagine what your family has gone through, I'm so very sorry." It was the first time anyone recognized my pain. Or even my families, because technically at that point, nothing was "happening."

Brad and Brian sitting across from me with yellow tablets asking me what I thought about my mom and dad’s relationship, and in the end Brad looking me in the eyes and saying, "Well, your parents relationship really isn't going to affect you." Afterwards Brian came up to me and said, "I don't really know what Brad was thinking, but your parents relationship is always going to affect you." I wondered then, and still wonder now why the hell he couldn't say that in front of Brad. Thing is he never once stood up for any of us in front of Brad.

I remember Dan leaving a meeting in disgust, walking past me, looking down and saying, "I'm really sorry kid, I tried." Next day he announced to the Church that due to things happening that he could not agree with, he would be leaving. I think he is the only man in the entire mess who still commands my respect. He left the ministry that he had built his life around for our family, in hopes that they would see.

I remembered sitting in the bathroom crying my eyes out when I was little, and having Mary walk in and instead of asking me why I was crying, she told me I had nothing to cry about. Yep, nothing, except maybe the fact that her oldest son had just beat the shit out of me. Sure I might have had a "wonderful" family, but no one saw the rotting core but us kids. No one knew, no one cared to look closer. And at church, the "safe" place, I got the shit beat out of me. I wonder what Mary would have thought if she saw half the truth, but the thing is she didn't really care to look. Honestly, I don't know as I blame her, I suspect she had enough pain of her own to deal with.

Thing is there were good things too. Playing under the chairs with my two best friends. Being allowed to do and eat whatever we wanted at potlucks, coffee breaks, where we were actually allowed to drink coffee, Rick with his smile genuine care and random nick names, course it came out later that he beat his wife, that the church knew, and well they looked the other way. Which makes me wonder, was everything I thought good tainted, was the entire church really that fucked up. Or is my perspective simply skewed from the pain I endured?

How many weeks did I watch the drive way constantly, and then send mom away while I diplomatically told Brad he wasn't wanted and to get his ass off of our property? I don't think one is actually supposed to dread the sight of a white church van. Brian always came along, his face always apologized, and sometimes he did too, thing is he never did it in front of Brad. Which pisses me off to this day.

I spent hours cleaning that damn building. I spent hours running the overheads, the video cameras, and sound board. I spent hours working on the hospitality team and in the nursery. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 16 I don't think there was a single Sunday that I simply came to church and sat through it. I was always doing something, "serving." Yet, even after all that I don't think Brad could tell anyone the first thing about me. No one knew me well enough to know I had gone from loving God to suicidal and back again. Then one day I was told, ya know we really think it would just be best if ya didn't come back. Bye

The church eats people like a paper shredder eats paper, and spits them out in little pieces on the other side. This has been my only experience with the church. It has been a super shitty experience. Welcome to church, I we ask for here is your heart, and don't actually expect to get it back in one piece. God it hurts.

What happened to our Churches? Where is the love that Christ asked us to show one another? What happened to the commandment, love your neighbor as yourself? Did we not get the idea that Christ stated, and they will know you for the love you have for one another? Has your Church been this way? Do you question why the younger generation is leaving in droves, or are you part of the exodus?