The Bible and Baseball Bats

Over the years I was told to follow God, unless of course I was in contradiction to what someone believed and then I couldn’t possibly be following God because God wouldn’t ask me to do what they disagreed with. Generally, I was bashed over the head with the Bible. The result of this is, despite the fact that I have not regularly read the Bible in over 5 years I can still quote more of it than the average Christian has read. I thought everyone was like this, that all Christian kids could quote massive portions of the Bible or were generally aware of what it says. Then I became involved in Christian groups and I was the authority on the Bible often over what the teacher said. This surprised me.

 I can debate any point, I can argue any side of a Christian argument, Biblically. I can argue following the Levitcal law, I can argue why it is now obsolete. I can argue why women should never speak in the Church and I can argue how they are equal with men in all ways. I can argue kissing everyone inside the Church, as in making out with them, and I can argue its immorality. All arguments based out of scripture. I don’t actually know where I came up with this skill, although I highly suspect that it is from being hit over the head with scripture as if it was a baseball bat, and having to fight back. Problem is I didn’t ever fight back. Only a fool rejects reproof.

Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but a fool rejects wisdom and instruction.

Being battered constantly when you are trying to be the best you could be, hurts, and eventually you have a choice, stand up for yourself, or become a whipping boy and relish the emotional pain of being struck down. During the time when I didn’t stand up for myself I did search the Bible for where I had gone wrong.

John 5:38-42 You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life. I do not receive glory from men; but I know you, that you do not have the love of God in yourselves.

The scriptures do not contain eternal life, they simply point to Christ, but when you are desperately searching for eternal life you miss the pointers to Christ. Also, when the very people who are supposed to be emulating the love of God do not have love, things become confusing, because you believe what you have always been taught, they have the love of God.  John13:35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” When the love of God is assumed to be where it is not, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe it even exists.

I never found eternal life in the scriptures, in fact I only found condemning, painful, try harder verses. Then I decided to give God the middle finger and I jumped ship. I couldn’t live up to His standard so I quit. I wonder how I never saw this back then, Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 

After I jumped ship I decided several things.

I was not the judge of men.

I was not above anyone.

I would never use the Bible as a bludgeoning tool.

I would love with abandon no matter how much it hurt.

The only code I would live by was, “Is this loving?”

My friends would be the broken, the outcasts.

It took me some time to get to these things, but I got here. My story is long and complicated, but eventually I ended up with these ideas, and these ideas are what shaped my life. At some point I started going back over the Bible in my head. I didn’t pick it up, it was too painful. Reading the Bible caused me to feel like I was physically suffocating. I had a habit of running scripture through my head whenever I was bored or tired and couldn’t sleep, and somehow that habit never left. I had been approached by God and I had agreed that I would give Him a chance to show me the love that His followers had done such a wretched job of showing me, and I told Him He had one shot. Eventually, I started paying attention to the drone of verses that were constantly running through the back of my head, and when looked through from the standpoint of God being a loving, proud, doting, father, they changed. In fact they told me this.

 I was not the judge of men.

I was not above anyone.

The Bible was not a bludgeoning tool, but a pointer at the love of God.

I should love with abandon no matter how much it hurt.

The only code I should live by was, “Is this loving?”

My friends should be the broken, the outcasts.

To the broken, to the outcasts, I’m sorry. I am sorry on the behalf of all who have called themselves Followers of Christ. They were wrong, and I empowered them by not standing up for myself, I was wrong. I ask your forgiveness. Give God a chance to prove His love Himself and He will not disappoint you.

To those who call themselves the Followers of Christ, I am sorry, I am sorry that I empowered you I was wrong. Ask God to give you His love and He will, just remember the story of the rich young ruler, and remember you will be required to give up everything.

The Endless Circle

In Christianity today there seems to be an endless circle. A circle that starts with this question, WHO ARE WE? Christ said they will know you by your love for one another. Paul says we are the righteousness of God. Jesus was called both a gluten and a drunkard, the Pharisees thought He was clearly a sinner and false prophet. The only thing I know of that Christ promised His followers was that although His yoke was easy and burden light, we would have to give up everything to follow Him. In the end of the debate I think we are left with this:

1Corinthians 1

19For it is written,
“I WILL DESTROY THE WISDOM OF THE WISE,
AND THE CLEVERNESS OF THE CLEVER I WILL SET ASIDE.”

20Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. 22For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; 23but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, 24but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

One of the things I see throughout the New Testament is Love. Especially with Christ, Love one another, for the greatest commandment is this, love God, and the second is like unto it love your neighbor as yourself, and a new commandment I give you Love one another as I have Loved you. He never addressed sin with sinners. He only addressed sin with the highly religious. In the story of the adulterous women He showed her nothing but grace and love, I do not condemn you go and sin no more. He showed is love for Zaccheus causing him in turn to show love to the people he cheated. After Peter denied Jesus, Jesus never mentioned it again, all he asked about was Peter's love.

Later Paul talks about confronting one another, not allowing sin to be part of our assembly. I believe that Paul already understood that we were following Christ's commandment to love one another. Unfortunately, I didn't find love in the Church only condemnation, I heard a lot of "What you are doing is wrong." However there is therefore no condemnation in for those who are in Christ Jesus. Iron is supposed to sharpen iron we are supposed to confront each other, with the understanding that each of us is supposed to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Love is supposed to be our number one priority, but people love power, they love to be right, they love to be able to walk out of a place smugly patting themselves on the back saying, "Thank God, I'm not like that sinner."

If we cannot capture the hearts of the people with our Love then we will never be able to change their actions, ever. They will hate us, they will throw their actions in our faces, and they will attempt to corrupt our children. I know this because I felt like doing it when I was kicked out of the church for my parents actions. Then Christ asked if I would accept His love even though His people had failed miserably at showing it to me. I gave it a shot and was knocked off my feet by it. I know the balance between showing love and confronting people is a thin line to walk on. I have chosen to err on the side of loving people, and so far I've been amazed at the reaction.

I do not think we are sinners, I think we are son's of the Most High, heirs of the Kingdom of God. Grace and love haven't changed God's perspective of us it has changed who we are. We are perfect. We are free. We still sin. We live in a fallen world. I don't know how it works, but Christ says it works, and I believe Him. Love with abandon, people are more likely to die for love than they are to die for law.

Ultimate Truth, Vantage Truth, Chosen Truth.

Truth. Vantage Point, a movie that came out in the last couple years, did an amazing job of showing us that truth has everything to do with your perspective. I have been told once that ultimate truth is how God sees an incident. However, we as humans cannot see what God sees unless He decides to tell us, which, often, if it has to do with our story, He will, if we ask. He really is quite hung up on the idea that we should ask Him things; He isn't much on volunteering information.

Recently, something came up between me and My Girl, where she wasn't sure if what she was doing was the truth. As in, it might have been some stunt to get attention, or the symptoms of a broken past, and not really a chemical brain issue at all. I chose to believe that what she was doing was a problem with her brain, not with her. Even though she wasn't sure, and it might have in fact been another issue, my truth became that it was a brain issue.

I have decided that there are different truths. Ultimate truth, the way God sees something, vantage truth, what we see, and chosen truth, what we choose to decide happened after we process the data we have taken in. In reality, in everyday life what matters to us, our relationships, is chosen truth. If the truth is your significant other hasn't cheated on you, but your chosen truth is that they have, then the ultimate truth doesn't matter for you.

In relationships, Ultimate truth and Vantage truth doesn't seem to matter as much as chosen truth. I saw a picture that said, "Ever look at your ex and wonder, 'was I drunk that entire relationship?'" Probably not, but your chosen truth was that they hung the moon, and had your best interest in mind, and all their actions were rationalized through your chosen truth. Now outside of the relationship, your chosen truth is that they don't have your best in mind, or you simply are opposites, you see their actions differently. I've heard, 'Well now that I'm out of the situation I just see things so much clearer!' and I always want to say, "No, you just see it through a different truth."

Can we really see things clearly? Will not everything, literally everything we see, say, and do be affected by our chosen truth?

I choose to believe that My Girl will not lie, betray, or hurt me with malicious intent. I firmly believe that I could hold onto this truth no matter how many people presented hard evidence to the contrary. 'They' say love is blind. Perhaps this is good, perhaps it isn't. At times, history shows, someone’s stubborn hold on their chosen truth built entire civilizations, and at other times destroyed them.

The question that is now running rampant in my mind is this, how can we know that our chosen truth is true? Aside, of course, from God telling us Ultimate truth, can we know, or is not only love blind but life as well?

If I choose to believe that people at their base are good, sinful, but good, as in the majority of people will try to choose goodness, however we all have a massive tendency to miss the mark, then I will see the best of people. I see it like this, if I own a dark blue Toyota tundra, suddenly, not only will I notice all Toyota tundra’s on the road, but I will swear there are a significantly greater amount of dark blue ones in existence than there were before I bought my truck. If my truth is people are good I will tend, not always but tend, to see the goodness of people. While on the flipside if I think they are evil, I will see their evilness to an extent I would be sick.

In the end we should choose our truth carefully. If you decide that people are not trustworthy, then you will never have a solid relationship, because their mistakes will be seen through your truth of untrustworthiness. Again on the flip-side if your truth is that all people are trustworthy, you will be taken in. Be as innocent as doves and as wise as serpents; choose your truth with great care. Once you have chosen it be confident and if you are wrong remember there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, God's grace will catch you, and He is also big enough to clean up any mess you make. Choose carefully, be confident, and know Someone has your back.

When the Church Shows You the Door

Tonight I returned to my old Church. Thing is it's a building. Theoretically buildings simply hold things. Buildings themselves shouldn't cause panic, fear, pain, or anything else. Simply a building. So this is what I thought. I thought wrong. From the moment I walked in I felt sick. The memories of what has gone on there flooded in my mind slowly seeping through like cream poured into coffee. Sitting in a prayer service waiting for it to just be over, and then having Donna come up put her hand on my shoulder and say, "Kid, I can't imagine what your family has gone through, I'm so very sorry." It was the first time anyone recognized my pain. Or even my families, because technically at that point, nothing was "happening."

Brad and Brian sitting across from me with yellow tablets asking me what I thought about my mom and dad’s relationship, and in the end Brad looking me in the eyes and saying, "Well, your parents relationship really isn't going to affect you." Afterwards Brian came up to me and said, "I don't really know what Brad was thinking, but your parents relationship is always going to affect you." I wondered then, and still wonder now why the hell he couldn't say that in front of Brad. Thing is he never once stood up for any of us in front of Brad.

I remember Dan leaving a meeting in disgust, walking past me, looking down and saying, "I'm really sorry kid, I tried." Next day he announced to the Church that due to things happening that he could not agree with, he would be leaving. I think he is the only man in the entire mess who still commands my respect. He left the ministry that he had built his life around for our family, in hopes that they would see.

I remembered sitting in the bathroom crying my eyes out when I was little, and having Mary walk in and instead of asking me why I was crying, she told me I had nothing to cry about. Yep, nothing, except maybe the fact that her oldest son had just beat the shit out of me. Sure I might have had a "wonderful" family, but no one saw the rotting core but us kids. No one knew, no one cared to look closer. And at church, the "safe" place, I got the shit beat out of me. I wonder what Mary would have thought if she saw half the truth, but the thing is she didn't really care to look. Honestly, I don't know as I blame her, I suspect she had enough pain of her own to deal with.

Thing is there were good things too. Playing under the chairs with my two best friends. Being allowed to do and eat whatever we wanted at potlucks, coffee breaks, where we were actually allowed to drink coffee, Rick with his smile genuine care and random nick names, course it came out later that he beat his wife, that the church knew, and well they looked the other way. Which makes me wonder, was everything I thought good tainted, was the entire church really that fucked up. Or is my perspective simply skewed from the pain I endured?

How many weeks did I watch the drive way constantly, and then send mom away while I diplomatically told Brad he wasn't wanted and to get his ass off of our property? I don't think one is actually supposed to dread the sight of a white church van. Brian always came along, his face always apologized, and sometimes he did too, thing is he never did it in front of Brad. Which pisses me off to this day.

I spent hours cleaning that damn building. I spent hours running the overheads, the video cameras, and sound board. I spent hours working on the hospitality team and in the nursery. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 16 I don't think there was a single Sunday that I simply came to church and sat through it. I was always doing something, "serving." Yet, even after all that I don't think Brad could tell anyone the first thing about me. No one knew me well enough to know I had gone from loving God to suicidal and back again. Then one day I was told, ya know we really think it would just be best if ya didn't come back. Bye

The church eats people like a paper shredder eats paper, and spits them out in little pieces on the other side. This has been my only experience with the church. It has been a super shitty experience. Welcome to church, I we ask for here is your heart, and don't actually expect to get it back in one piece. God it hurts.

What happened to our Churches? Where is the love that Christ asked us to show one another? What happened to the commandment, love your neighbor as yourself? Did we not get the idea that Christ stated, and they will know you for the love you have for one another? Has your Church been this way? Do you question why the younger generation is leaving in droves, or are you part of the exodus?