When the Church Shows You the Door

Tonight I returned to my old Church. Thing is it's a building. Theoretically buildings simply hold things. Buildings themselves shouldn't cause panic, fear, pain, or anything else. Simply a building. So this is what I thought. I thought wrong. From the moment I walked in I felt sick. The memories of what has gone on there flooded in my mind slowly seeping through like cream poured into coffee. Sitting in a prayer service waiting for it to just be over, and then having Donna come up put her hand on my shoulder and say, "Kid, I can't imagine what your family has gone through, I'm so very sorry." It was the first time anyone recognized my pain. Or even my families, because technically at that point, nothing was "happening."

Brad and Brian sitting across from me with yellow tablets asking me what I thought about my mom and dad’s relationship, and in the end Brad looking me in the eyes and saying, "Well, your parents relationship really isn't going to affect you." Afterwards Brian came up to me and said, "I don't really know what Brad was thinking, but your parents relationship is always going to affect you." I wondered then, and still wonder now why the hell he couldn't say that in front of Brad. Thing is he never once stood up for any of us in front of Brad.

I remember Dan leaving a meeting in disgust, walking past me, looking down and saying, "I'm really sorry kid, I tried." Next day he announced to the Church that due to things happening that he could not agree with, he would be leaving. I think he is the only man in the entire mess who still commands my respect. He left the ministry that he had built his life around for our family, in hopes that they would see.

I remembered sitting in the bathroom crying my eyes out when I was little, and having Mary walk in and instead of asking me why I was crying, she told me I had nothing to cry about. Yep, nothing, except maybe the fact that her oldest son had just beat the shit out of me. Sure I might have had a "wonderful" family, but no one saw the rotting core but us kids. No one knew, no one cared to look closer. And at church, the "safe" place, I got the shit beat out of me. I wonder what Mary would have thought if she saw half the truth, but the thing is she didn't really care to look. Honestly, I don't know as I blame her, I suspect she had enough pain of her own to deal with.

Thing is there were good things too. Playing under the chairs with my two best friends. Being allowed to do and eat whatever we wanted at potlucks, coffee breaks, where we were actually allowed to drink coffee, Rick with his smile genuine care and random nick names, course it came out later that he beat his wife, that the church knew, and well they looked the other way. Which makes me wonder, was everything I thought good tainted, was the entire church really that fucked up. Or is my perspective simply skewed from the pain I endured?

How many weeks did I watch the drive way constantly, and then send mom away while I diplomatically told Brad he wasn't wanted and to get his ass off of our property? I don't think one is actually supposed to dread the sight of a white church van. Brian always came along, his face always apologized, and sometimes he did too, thing is he never did it in front of Brad. Which pisses me off to this day.

I spent hours cleaning that damn building. I spent hours running the overheads, the video cameras, and sound board. I spent hours working on the hospitality team and in the nursery. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 16 I don't think there was a single Sunday that I simply came to church and sat through it. I was always doing something, "serving." Yet, even after all that I don't think Brad could tell anyone the first thing about me. No one knew me well enough to know I had gone from loving God to suicidal and back again. Then one day I was told, ya know we really think it would just be best if ya didn't come back. Bye

The church eats people like a paper shredder eats paper, and spits them out in little pieces on the other side. This has been my only experience with the church. It has been a super shitty experience. Welcome to church, I we ask for here is your heart, and don't actually expect to get it back in one piece. God it hurts.

What happened to our Churches? Where is the love that Christ asked us to show one another? What happened to the commandment, love your neighbor as yourself? Did we not get the idea that Christ stated, and they will know you for the love you have for one another? Has your Church been this way? Do you question why the younger generation is leaving in droves, or are you part of the exodus?